Weeks in Review - Two weeks running

Well, my hope of being able to at least post once a week has kind of went by the wayside. It wasn't that I didn't really have the time to do it, it was more that posting how our week went was not as much of a priority.

Our truck in Tampa with the sun setting behind it.

When I last wrote, we were in Miami. We enjoyed our time thawing in Miami. We spent my husband's birthday weekend making some repairs on the truck. We were able to complete all the repairs and then had to take him to the emergency room because of an infection that started moving from his ear down his neck. Antibiotics and time has allowed it to heal, thankfully. From Miami, we took a load to Atlanta and then up to Newark. We thought we would be able to sit for a little in the Northeast and watch the Superbowl, but instead we high tailed it to Tampa, only to watch my Broncos be humiliated.

Shortly after sunrise in Miami

This past week, we went back to Miami, up to Memphis, back to Miami, and now en route to Michigan. While we were in Miami, we were able to catch up with friends, and make a few new friends. We were able to meet people we had only talked on the phone with previously. Time with friends is truly treasured. Our current load is oversized, so I get to spend time catching up on things, hence the ability to write.

On the school front, Boo has finished two more books. At this rate, she is going to finish her books before we finish the rest of the school items. She digests books at such a high rate, I am amazed at her. For a girl that fought me to read, she now would rather have her nose in a book, or listen to a book when she can't read than not. The kindle my middle daughter bought me was such a blessing, and now her kindle is blessing us even more. Technology is a wonderful thing. I have a very hard time limiting technology time, since her nose on the kindle reading is really no different than my nose in a book at any other point.

My husband getting antibiotics.

This past week also brought us some disturbing news. We found out my grandmother is having some health issues. Out of respect, I will not disclose all of the details about her concerns, but I will say it has made all of us realize that, sadly, she will not live forever. My grandmother has lived a full ninety-three years. She is the rock of our family, and many times the glue that holds us together. Our family is very large, and as I would expect happens in many families, we are many times at odds with each other. My grandmother always shared with us that while we may not like each other at times, never ever stop loving each other, and never ever stop praying for each other. I ask that anyone who reads this to pray that above all else, God's will be done in this, and allow all of us to handle whatever God's will is.

Because of the family drama, love was consistently brought to mind. God brings friends into our lives to love us through different phases of our lives. Sometimes, those friends are family as well. Even if we choose to shut someone out of our lives for a time, we only hurt ourselves in the end. It is vitally important that we forgive and love each other. God loved us so much, He sent His only son to cover all of our sins. He loved us. It is our responsibility to love each other as well. He loved us first, when we were still sinners, and even when we don't agree with choices of others, we are still called to love them.

As we continue our way to Michigan, I am not looking forward to the weather conditions ahead of us. I am not looking forward to the possibility of freezing lines again. I realize this is our job, but it doesn't make me like it any more. I don't know where the roads will lead out of Michigan (other than south), but I know wherever we go, it is my responsibility to go where He leads. He never puts us in an area without allowing us to learn something. It is my responsibility to listen to His leading, love those around me, and never stop praying for His will to be done, whether I understand it or not.

Absent Parenting

When I was growing up, both of my parents were in the military. This meant lots of missed birthdays, and very few holidays or other of life’s events with our extended family. When we were able to attend a family event, it was always something to remembered, to me anyways. I enjoyed being around my cousins, of whom there are now well over thirty, and my five aunts and three uncles. Not all of our family can be in one place at one time, as a matter of fact, the last time I remember all nine of my grandmother’s children being together was when she turned eighty. While there are some within the family that would rather complain about the family, I remember always cherishing the time we had together, and enjoying the fellowship.

Among the many things we are asked about being on the road, one of them is don’t we miss our family. My family is spread from one coast to the other, and everywhere in between. We enjoy the times we can spend with family as we get close to them; however, with the distances between my family, it was rare to have true family time. My husband, on the other hand, has lived within a few hundred miles of his family all of his life. It was because of missing out on his children’s lives that he decided to stop truck driving at the time. Whenever we are asked the question, our answers used to be the same, but I fear they won’t be soon.

This week we found out my husband’s oldest son’s girlfriend is pregnant. While my eldest daughter gave us our first two grandchildren, we rarely get to see them or have much to do with them. (That situation breaks my heart, but my daughter desperately needs to be a better mother. Watching her self-destruct and take her children down with her is very heartbreaking.) My husband has trepidations about this news, mainly because the new father is still in college, and isn’t doing that well financially, but otherwise is incredibly excited. He can’t wait to be a Paw Paw. We asked if we could host the baby shower, and were immediately declined, but told we could “bring something to it if we wanted.” Furthermore, it was stated, we aren’t home enough to handle anything, and can’t be depended upon.

I immediately got upset about the reaction, and was more upset when I found out we were declined in favor of my husband’s ex-wife. I realize our job takes us away from daily life for college kids, but up until now, we really didn’t feel like we were missing anything. When we were home, and they lived at home, we rarely saw them as it was. Now, we have to make special requests just to be able to see them ever. Before we started trucking, we had spent the previous three years covering for all the broken promises she made. Believe me, when all of it was happening, and we had to be real, and then cover her lies, it was horrible. It made me thankful my children and I were thrown away. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you can’t, you had better own up to why you can’t. It is beyond frustrating when after all we have done, including getting his car out of repossession, one simple request to host the baby shower was declined. My feelings are still very hurt.

Of course, even when we started discussing the baby shower, I revealed that my eldest daughter would end up getting upset. Every child is convinced we love someone else more. Of course, nowadays, they all agree the youngest, who is on the truck with us full time, is the most loved. One thing usually leads to another as we discuss things while one of us is driving, and this discussion was no different. We ended up talking about who had most-favored status in our family when we were growing up. And then we discussed how each child has different roles.

Later, as I drove, I reflected upon the discussion. I was struck by how different our earthly family is from our heavenly family. While none of us could ever live up to Jesus, as far as being a son or daughter of God, God loves none of us different. He loves me the same as he loved Mother Theresa. Even though I am not blessed with the knowledge or words to be able to lead thousands to Christ, my role doesn’t affect His love. God loves all of us as we are, no matter how much we show up, no matter what we look like when we do show up. He always responds with open arms, and an open heart, ready to hug us. Our absence doesn’t make him replace us with someone else. Thank you God for loving us like you do.

While my feelings are still very hurt by the attitude with regard to the baby shower, I am also realistic. I miss the days of get-togethers at our house. I miss decorating, and taking a theme to extremes (my daughter’s friends still talk about her sushi birthday – even the cupcakes looked like sushi). A party brings out the Martha Stewart in me. I will never be the same as those that are in their lives on a regular basis. We are, absent parents, and will end up being absent grandparents. We won’t love them any less, but the feeling isn’t mutual. This makes me thankful even more for a loving heavenly Father, who loves us no matter what.

I encourage all of you to enjoy any time you have with your family, enjoy your family any time you can, and most of all remember that regardless of how our earthly family treats us, our heavenly Father is always there with open arms, ready to love us.

Home Safety Compromised

"We came to mow the lawn and noticed your back door was standing wide open. Is it supposed to be?"

"No."

"Do you mind if we just step inside and see if there is anything obvious missing?"

"Please do."

"Did you have a television in the living room?"

"Yes, a big 73" DLP."

"Well, you don't now."

That is the phone conversation that led to us being forced to come home. We delivered some thrust reversers in Wichita, Kansas, and decided we couldn't leave. Unfortunately, given my eldest daughter's choice in a boyfriend, we immediately suspected she was involved. We got in touch with all the other kids, and asked if someone went out and left the door open, if someone gave my eldest the code to the door, or if we were in fact broken into by someone not in our family. Our son went to the house later that evening and confirmed, the television was gone, as were our video games and some paraphernalia, my jewelry box, my husband's jewelry, speakers, car audio, some old cell phones, some alcohol, some collectibles, a truck GPS, and about $8,000 worth of tools. In addition, they left us a couple presents in the toilet, which they couldn't flush because we turn off the water when we are gone. Since it was more than just the television, we really didn't think my daughter could choose to hurt us that badly. We decided it MUST be someone else.

The speaker taken out of the speaker box

An empty tool drawer.

The stand for our 73" television with the missing games.

We got home late Tuesday night, and decided to wait until Wednesday to really look at the damage. We had been cleaned out of most things. The thieves got away with the keys to the car, and stole quite a few other keys as well. They opened every drawer, and went through everything. We had the crime lab come out and dust for prints, which sadly revealed nothing. We did, however find cigarette butts outside which were not ours. The detective that came out asked if we originally suspected anyone, so they could run that through their database to see if they could find anything. They would take the DNA from the butts to see if they could find anything.

The next day we got a call letting us know my daughter pawned a ring and a scan tool, both of which we suspected immediately came from our home. We spent the rest of the time trying to gather more information. My middle daughter came out to see what we had discovered. We found out a few more pieces of information. The whole time we tried to ensure my daughter signed a power of attorney so my mother could take the kids to Colorado. 

Friday, led to my daughter's questioning, and eventual arrest.We drove about 40 miles to identify my engagement ring and ring guard, as well as the scan tool. We found out the lies my daughter was telling. She told the inspector she got the ring and scan tool from some guy at a hotel who asked her to pawn the items. She told my mother the ring wasn't mine, and tried to change the description. When we looked at my ring, it solidified the fact my daughter was involved. We also found out her boyfriend was a VERY bad person who has a substantive wrap sheet full of multiple counts of breaking and entering. In addition, most of the pawn shops will not accept things from him because they are aware most of it is stolen.

Saturday brought lots of laughter and joy. We celebrated my grandchildrens' birthdays.Four generations were under my daughter's roof at one time, and there was no arguing, only lots of hugs, kisses, infectious laughter, and enjoyment.

Four generations together. From L to R my daughter Kristen, me, my mother holding my granddaughter Akasha, my youngest daughter Bonnie, and my sister Melissa.

Akasha is happy she got blocks of her very own!

Chase opening his favorite toy

Chase has a big rig of his very own

Who cares if the tag is still on, and it isn't on right, Akasha is a princess.

The only good part of the cupcake is the icing!

He likes the whole thing, and loves having cake face.

I'm not peeking at my presents.

Pizza face smiles.

While our home will never truly feel safe again, and no matter where we go, I have to disable the car, because the thieves took keys to our car, our home, and so many things, it was great to be able to hear laughter. My eldest is sitting in jail. Her kids are safe. As difficult as it is, I cannot allow my disappointment in my daughter to affect her innocent children. She and her boyfriend have torn apart our life, but her children had nothing to do with it. I will prosecute my daughter to the fullest extent of the law, and make sure we are at as many court hearings we can possibly attend. Tough love is tough, and yet it is so necessary.

A Note from my Daughter

While we have been home, I was cleaning the desk and found a note my middle daughter wrote me some time ago. It reads:

"My mom.
"My mom is amazing. She has been there for me through... everything. From the time when my only problem were Kaitlyn stealing my Barbies, to some girl stealing Brady from me, to things that are so much bigger than that. She supports me the same way I do her. But in that same way it is totally different. She loves me and only wants the best for me, no matter what I do. She has always just tried to keep be from heartbreak  whether big or small. I love her and even though at times I think she is evil, and I really don't want the best for her, but other times I want to get her through whatever things she is going through. She is my support group, my shoulder to cry on when so and so was being mean, my beacon of hope when I didn't want to get through another day. When she is sad, I want to do everything to make it better, because if my mom is sad, then I can't be happy. And if I could, its to a certain extent. She has always put her kids first, and has taught me more about how to be a mom than any parenting book I could buy from Barnes & Noble. I used to think it would be easy to move out when the time came, but as each day goes by I realize its actually going to be hard. We might shed a tear, or two, or hundreds, but she has shown me the meaning of true beauty, someone who cares about others so much it just starts to spread all over them, making them the most beautiful people on the planet. The meaning of true love, I see it each time she looks at my dad. It makes me hope that one day I can look at someone even close to that. She has shown me that mothering is hard, and never to take it lightly. Its a big responsibility and even though I've got the hips to make babies, to wait, get my life started, I'll be so much happier. She has shown me that even when everything falls apart you can pick up the pieces, and if the old ones don't fit as well as they used to, mend them, and if they don't want to be mended and only want to drift away, then there is more where that came from. Oh, and she has shown me that she can be there for me; I just need to let her in a little. No boy will ever come between us again. =]
"I love you Mom."

When I read it I cried and cried. Now, as I type it, I cry some more. So many things have been going on, including my eldest daughter ending up in jail. Crying seems to be so easy right now. I have always put my children first. I have always tried to do what is best for them. My middle daughter writing this note made me see she gets it, at least a little. I know she wrote it well before she moved out, and before things got so strained between the two of us, but I hope she still feels that way.
Motherhood is definitely NOT EASY. While I have always tried to do what is best for my kids, and put them first, sometimes I have to decide that what is best for them is to NOT put them first. As I mentioned, my eldest is now sitting in jail. Her kids, my grandchildren, are in the care of my sister and her friend. My mother is discussing coming to get the kids. I am firm on this stand, my daughter needs to somehow be forced to get clean, get a real job, and learn the mothering lessons I evidently didn't teach her. If that means she sits in jail, and that social services becomes involved in her parenting plan, then that is what is best. While I would love to take my grandchildren in, it would mean giving up trucking, coming back to an economy where it is still difficult to find a job, and perhaps even putting all the kids in public education. That is not what I believe is best for my family. I cannot save my daughter. I cannot watch her kill herself any more.
While the note above makes me happy my middle daughter loved me so, I am saddened by my situation. There is so much more going on I would like to share, but right now, I just want to cry.

"No" is NOT Easy to Say

Some days I feel my children think "no" is the easiest thing in the world to say. I remember Momma tell me, it is easy to just go along with what their children want, but it is difficult to tell them, "No." I remember when she said it, I thought she was just making things seem harder than they were. As an adult of adult children, now I honestly see the validity in what she said. I hope before it is too long, my children can see the same thing. When my two oldest kids were teenagers, I was the only one who disciplined them. Yes, their fathers have been absent from their lives, but I had "help" from my mother. However, my mother was basically setting me up. When I would tell the kids no, she would just go behind my back and give them whatever I said no to. That included dogs, phones, clothes, nearly anything. This included lying to me about saying yes, and lying to me about the specifics. It led to my middle daughter being involved with a married man when she was barely a teenager, and allowing my eldest daughter to continuously interact with a man twelve years older than her, when she was just sixteen. Neither of these things were acceptable with me. Now, I suppose my daughter's lives are ok because my mother has accepted, and even condoned, what they are doing. Their decisions are not acceptable with me.I don't really want to go over all of what has happened, but their choices have changed me. I have had to say no to my middle daughter who wanted to move back home, because she wasn't willing to give up a cat that pees where it wants when she is not around. I have had to say no to her borrowing my car because she has not taken care of hers. I have had to say no to my eldest daughter moving back home because our house has a couple of walls down due to issues with the plumbing, and frankly it is not ok for my grandchildren to be there right now. I have had found out my eldest daughter has lied to me at every turn. I have also found out my eldest daughter is a stripper. I have found out my little sister would much rather cause drama than to be an adult. My life has changed over the last few days, all because I have found out these things. Mark 10:25 says, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." While, this scripture has long been identified as dealing with not treasuring your money, I would contend it deals with so much more. Not only are we not to treasure our money, but we must submit to God wholly. Submitting to God is not easy. Sometimes, God says no, not because of any other reason than because it is not what is best for us. God is much like a parent, who doesn't like saying "no," but knows they have to because they must consider what is best. 
Is it best for my daughter to be at home, possibly. However, I know that just saving her, and not forcing her to stand on her own to feet is not what is best. I have to remember, if my daughter would have just cleaned her room, and done what we asked, she would have still been at home. Is it best for my daughter to be a stripper, definitely not! While my mother seems to just see it as "dancing," I remember it opens the door to so much more. No matter what she does, or any of my children for any matter, I will still love them. Doing what is good and right is not easy, but it is what SHOULD be done.

Insight Into Our Life

There are so many things that happen in each person's life that allows them to give them insight to people who aren't in your shoes. While we were home I was asked for insight into the company we are leased to, and approached for help in another. While answering questions or concerns about a company is something most in the trucking world are familiar with, the request for help came as a shock to me. I know my family has a tendency to look down their nose at our lifestyle, and somewhat don't care, I never considered there were others who honestly want to be in our shoes.

My life five years ago was so different than my life now. I was just finishing my Bachelors degree in Accounting. I thought despite having businesses I did accounting for close, I would still be able to find a job in my field. As a last resort, I went back to Customer Service. As many know, the economy was (and in my opinion still is) in a slump. My husband decided to start looking into trucking. (He used to drive in the 90's, and considering the paychecks he was receiving was considering it again.) We were barely making it, and many times had to give up lots just to be able to somehow make ends meet. Life was a struggle, but we were home and living a rather traditional life.

Three and a half years ago we boarded a bus bound for Salt Lake City. After a lot of research, and talking to people who would end up being very dear friends, we decided on Central Refrigerated as the company we would start with. (In my opinion, they are a decent starter company, but you must remember trucking is your way to make a living, and treat it like a business whether you lease from them or not.) While we were there, many things happened (like our Chi passing away) and many people began forming opinions of how wrong we were for starting this. Obviously, we couldn't take the kids with us during training, so our oldest son was left in charge of the girls at home. Slowly we worked our way toward owning our own truck (including leasing a truck from our company), and being able to have our daughter on the truck. 

I have ALWAYS wanted to homeschool my girls, but never felt like we were able to do it. I am in awe of the people who can homeschool at home, but staying home (reducing the household income) and schooling the kids was not something I ever thought I could do. Well, trucking and homeschooling to me just fit. Now, I could homeschool my daughter and still work! I knew it would be hard work, but I wanted to do it. I have learned homeschooling is a lifestyle many look down on, but a choice few admire it. Since trucking is much the same, homeschooling on the truck definitely something a great many look down on. 

Last year we chose a curriculum we thought would work because it would be easy (Switched-On Schoolhouse). While the curriculum would work for some, it felt like we were fighting the curriculum and fighting each other on learning. It just was not for us. We spent the the latter part of the school year considering what curriculum we would use this school year. We discussed many choices, and finally I chose Sonlight for the main portion of the curriculum, Apologia for science (saving the experiments for when we are at home), and (based on the suggestion from Sonlight) Teaching Textbooks for math. I think the curriculum has been a great fit. I love reading, and now that love of reading has been passed on to my daughter!

My daughter reading while we wait for service to be done on the truck. I love that she chose to read.

Homeschooling on its own can be difficult. Trucking can be difficult. Combine the two and you have so many opportunities for failure. There are many times I have literally fallen asleep reading with my daughter. I plan out what we will do each day, but then we do what we can when we can. Sometimes we struggle with getting things done, but every day I see progress! It is amazing.

Among the concerns for homeschooling in general, which homeschooling on the truck magnifies, is the socialization. Does my daughter socialize with kids her own age? No. However, consider your own friends. How many friends are within a year or two of your own age? Not many, I would guess. My daughter may not interact on a daily basis with people her own age, but she can show respect for people older than her, and help people in many places. She is a wonderful young woman (of course I am a little partial). We are blessed with a large family, and she has been able to spend time with many different people along the way.

While our life is not typical, I am happy with the choices we have made. I am happy we are together on the truck. It is difficult, but to me it is so worth it. 

Ready and Waiting

We have been at home for a bit, which most people in our circumstance would look forward to, but when we are home, it is because something on the truck is going wrong. This time the truck was leaking so much, electronics were shorting out. Ugh! I thought we fixed this issue last year! I guess not.
This time we replaced all the lights, rewired, fiberglassed and painted the cab. I don't think it will be leaking soon. We discovered there were broken brackets, replaced them. The new lights and redone cab look great.

One of the things I do when I am "wasting time" is to consider all the things I COULD do if I was at home, instead of living on the truck. One of the things I would love to try is Once a Month Cooking. I have looked at several different sites, considered several pins, and decided even if I was at home I would end up making up my own menu instead of following anyone else's.

Well, this time we were home, I decided I would do all I could to get as close to it and pack the stuff in the truck. Success! I did it. I have successfully prepped 24 dinners! I know, not quite 30, but considering leftovers and life, 24 is as close as most get to this accomplishment. Most of these meals can  be made in the crockpot (my favorite tool on the truck). Below is a brief explanation of how I did it.

First I planned out what meals we wanted to have, wrote the recipes out, tried to verify what supplies we had on hand (and still ended up getting some duplicates), and added some wants from my daughter and husband. Not counting that time, the start time for the following was 11:45 in the morning.

Shopping

Considering where we live, I usually opt to shop in Ardmore instead of driving into Huntsville. Considering this, I like being able to get the 5 for $20 meat deals at Piggly Wiggly. Dollar General has most everything else we need. The list was filled between the two stores (all except the Airborne - a must have on the truck), for only $457! Above is a picture of most of the bags, as we were bringing them in.

Sorting and Prepping

The dry and refrigerated products used to make the recipes.

The meats

I didn't even look at the clock to see what time I got home from shopping, but I do believe it was about 2:00 in the afternoon. It took a little bit to separate the main groups, but thankfully I had my daughter to help with prepping the veggies. Her help was GREAT! We labeled the bags and dumped the meals into the bags, and put them in the freezer. My husband said there was way too much food, so I tried to fit it all in one drawer in the freezer thinking that would work. We were eating at 7:00 at night, so I really don't think 7:15 for shopping and prepping wasn't too bad.

Today we had our third dinner from this adventure. The first meal was something we usually put in the crockpot, but decided to try it in the oven. Failure! I guess the crockpot keeps in all the moisture and makes it SO much better.

Perogies, diced chicken, frozen peas and Alfredo. This is in my bowl with a little Parmesan on top. Notice the slightly browned Perogies.

The following morning, I tried French Toast in the crockpot. I thought it was too moist. My daughter thought it was barely edible. It ended up more like bread pudding than French Toast. It was definitely strange to have breakfast ready before coffee.

Last night I made Lasagna. I am sure everyone has their own recipe. I was prepared to do this on the truck in the crockpot if we were ready to roll, but we weren't.

Today, we finished loading the truck and now are ready to roll and waiting on a load. Packing the meals in the freezer was VERY difficult. We no longer have any room for the ice cube trays or the ice packs (let's hope we don't have any injury that needs to be iced), but the meals fit. The picture above represents nineteen meals frozen. It was all I had room for. I guess from now on, I will only do two weeks at a time, which is just fine since that is how often we are paid. The fridge was just as full, and has two meals waiting to go in the crockpot, and some leftover lasagna. 

I will let you know how this goes. I am hoping it goes well. Meanwhile, we sit here waiting for a load, and hope it doesn't take long, since when the wheels don't turn, we don't earn. Hope you feel successful at something, even if it is just filling the fridge and freezer with a month of meals!

Life is precious

Today is my hubby's birthday (I started writing this on his birthday, and finished it almost two weeks later, and then accidentally deleted it and am now republishing it). I have long thought about the various factors that had to come together just right so the two of us would meet. However, just recently I was made aware of the fragile circumstances that actually brought him to this world.
Dumb me, I thought I was the only one who could have never been born. I knew my in-laws had issues, and that is why they divorced, but I really never knew that if just one decision would have been different, my husband wouldn't be here.
My father-in-law proposed to his current wife when they were younger, and she accepted. My stepmother-in-law is a military brat, so during one of their moves, she chose to tell my father-in-law he needed to date other people just to make sure he wasn't settling for her. (In the interest of full disclosure, two of my aunts and one cousin married their high-school sweethearts and are still together, many years later, so I have a soft spot for meeting your mate when you are young and sticking it out.) It was only because of that break-up that my in-laws even met and married. (MiMi, my stepmother-in-law, was never able to experience a live birth of a child of her own.)
Just think, if MiMi had never decided my father-in-law needed to date other people, my husband would never have been born.
Many times, when we look at those in our lives, we have no idea the multiple factors that had to fall into place just right to bring them here. Life is so precious, and could be gone in the blink of an eye.
I have experienced several miscarriages, so I know how fragile even pregnancy can be, then to compound that with the fragility of any relationship, and it is incredible to me sometimes to imagine that the world is as populated as it is.
God knew us while we were yet in our mother's womb. God has plans for us. We may fight those plans at times, but He will consistently show us opportunities to fulfill His plan for our life.
I have long believed God planned for my husband and I to be together. He may not have planned the broken road that got us to where we are, but He knew just what it would take to bring us together, and never gave up.
God has plans for everyone around us. Believe me, there are times when someone is frustrating me, I think God really has no clue what He is doing bringing this person into my life, but He does. There is never a time someone is brought into my life as an accident, and just their very existence is no accident either.
When someone is frustrating you, remember, there is a reason, and their life, no matter how frustrating to you at this point, is fragile. Just one change and they may not exist. Just one change and you would not have the chance to learn and grow from this encounter.
Life is precious, and God has a purpose for all of us.

Hard Work Ahead

We have taken a few days off from work (trucking) to enjoy life, and to make plans for the future. We took the truck in to have the turbo looked at, because it is now derating and throwing codes. We took this opportunity to do something we hear so many others do, but have never been able to do ourselves, rent a car and be tourists! What makes this even stranger is the fact we were tourists at locations within 300 miles of our own current home. It was so nice to do things we hadn't done, but always talked about, and make plans for the future.
One of the places we visited was The Lost Sea. My husband has talked about wanting to stop and see it for quite some time. It was incredible. Below is one of the fish in the largest underground lake.

The cave structures were beautiful and the trip was informative.

We had a great time, and would recommend it to anyone, just make sure you have your walking shoes on.

Every time we drive through Chattanooga, I see the signs for Ruby Falls, and comment how I would like to go there some time. My husband had been when he was younger. (Of the two, Lost Sea was more natural, and wanted things to remain untouched, but most of the rocks within arms length at Ruby Falls are smooth from the touch of millions of tourists.)

The Tower At Ruby Falls

Ruby Falls lit up red

The view of Chattanooga from the top of the tower

Again, it was beautiful. The tour was at a faster pace, but not quite the rigorous exercise. Between the two, we walked over two miles, and that was after I thought we had our exercise from the previous two days, during which point, we put earnest money on a piece of land in Parsons Shores, TN (which is where the hard work ahead comes into play).

Looking toward Lake Norris from the road.

Looking toward the lake from up the property a bit.

Looking up the property from up the property. (It goes over 200' up)

The flattest part of the land.

We have long dreamed of having a lake house. This property represents our dream. We realize we will have to work hard to clear it, and then to actually build a home will present an even larger challenge, but we are sure it will be worth it in the end.

Caution, This Is Upsetting

I am sorry if this is too much, but I have to get it out. Family is very important to me, and yet my family continues to get smaller, not larger.
When I met my husband, my mother had an issue, so while my family got larger, it got smaller as well. My mother wants to control things, and when she determined I was no longer going to allow her to control me, and I was not going to follow in her man-hater ways, she became more angry. I have slowly closed the door to her more and more with every disrespectful thing she has done. I looked past her continuing to sleep with the man who raped me after she knew he did, but to then condone everyone continuing to act like it never happened is too much.
I never got to know my real father, my mother and he split up before I was born and she lied to keep me from finding him. I found him only because my sister (his daughter) posted his obituary. Now I have a sister I still haven't met who means the world to me.
My mother met a man in AIT whom she married and adopted me. This man was never truthful with anyone. On our move from Ft Sill OK to Ft Sheridan IL he raped me. The activity continued until I started, I guess he was afraid I would come up pregnant. Funny thing is not too long after that my mother got pregnant. Guess he finally paid attention to my mother. Not too long afterwards he went to Honduras, and we went to CO. When he came back he had cheated like crazy while he was gone, and somehow decided he was going to start in with me again. It didn't work, because I fought too hard. So, he got rid of me. It took a year before I could say anything about it to my mother about it, and then only in therapy. When the apartment burned, in some of my mother's stuff that survived I found a picture of my mother and he having intercourse in that apartment, which we moved to AFTER she was told. I was betrayed by him and by my mother.
His youngest daughter has always believed he hung the moon, so I will never be able to say she is a part of my family.
Well, now my little sister is out of my life. She has chosen to allow her son (my nephew) to live with him. She knows, and has said he did things to her as well. So, why on earth would you allow ANY child to be around a rapist? I will never understand.
No matter what happens with the rest of my family, my rape will always be something I cannot get over and I just have to close the door to anyone who sides with a man who has NEVER apologized, and thinks he just wanted to "make sure I was ready for the boys", as he put it. I live with the scars and the continued pain. I guess that is my lot in life.

Clearing the Foggy Attitude

Yesterday as I drove from Illinois into Memphis TN, I drove through some fog and thought about how this fog was like my attitude. I have been trying desperately to not write about my frustrations and turn this into a vent, so I have held much of it in. I have not discussed my frustrations with a screwed up Christmas or our blown turbo. Believe me this year hasn't started much better than last year began. As a result my attitude has become as dreary as a foggy landscape.
It hit me as I was making that drive. Sometimes being foggy is okay. It is in these times I keep my head focused on what is right ahead of me. Can I see miles ahead? No. Sometimes I cannot see more than a few hundred feet. The focus needed to make it through just a few miles is difficult at times, but when you make it where you need to be, you realize you have accomplished something.
In our trucking life I have grumbled, and let my inner grumblings affect my attitude. However, I had to really to stop and consider we have paid off several things, and now our work will be more in our pocket, than paying off bills. We had a bump with our turbo literally blowing apart, but now we have a new turbo, new air filters and new brakes. We are getting somewhere, just slowly and still unable to see beyond our immediate future.
On the homeschooling front, this month brings semester reports. I discovered how far we have come. We should meet attendance goal by April. Boo is really enjoying reading. Let me say that again. BOO IS ENJOYING READING!!! I prayed this day would come. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.
On a personal note, I have long prayed for a way to use my piece of paper I spent 17 years to complete. (I have an Accounting degree that is only useful to our family.) I am still praying, but with the help of a radio visionary, my prayers may be getting answered. I don't want to share too much but I ask you prày His will be done in this situation.
We are two weeks into the new year. Before too long the first month will be over, and time will speed by faster than we imagine. I still can't see much beyond our immediate future, but I am thankful for this time we have just kept our nose to the grindstone and can now look up and appreciate the distance we have come. My foggy attitude is clearing, but I will just keep focusing on the immediate future and being thankful for each little mile marker we pass.

Labels

This time of year brings to mind several favorite things. No, I won’t break into song to list them (although I could do that with the mood I am in); I will take time to talk about one of them today. One of my favorite things is wrapping and labeling presents. Today, I just want to touch on the labeling portion.

After the presents are wrapped, I love to come up with creative labeling options and creative ways to label the presents. I have used ornaments to label the presents (the ornaments had the kids’ names on them), old Christmas card cutouts with the labeling on the back, store bought labels, and even pieces of wrapping paper. I usually try to think about the labeling while I am shopping, and will try to get labels to coordinate with the wrapping paper if I am going to use store bought labels. It is a big deal (in my mind) to label presents appropriately, considering the person and the gift. In the end, that label ends up being read quickly, some figure out the cryptic clues, and anxiously toss the label aside.

Today as I was driving, I started thinking about the various labels we have, and the labels we put on others. Our parents could have labeled us things like lazy, selfish, or slow; or they may have given us a great label like beautiful, gifted, or generous. Teachers label students on their report cards with words like talkative, bright, lacks attention, fidgety, or a joy. Sisters and brothers label us a pain, silly, dumb, or self-centered. Other family members come up with their own labels as well.

Society labels us in a few different ways. They label us by our job (truck driver, accountant, teacher, cop, etc.), and from that label us further based on stereotypes or history. They label us by our looks (pretty, tall, nerdy, ugly, etc.). They label us the same as the company we keep, whether they know them or not. They label us by our car, or lack thereof, neighborhood, hometown, or even our current state of residence (dumb redneck Alabamian).

Just like words spoken to someone, once a person is treated like their label, it can harm them. However, what if we choose to see the labels not as a “scarlet letter,” but as a badge of honor.

Yes, I am a truck driver. I am not a dirty, rude, unorganized idiot. Cleanliness is important to me, and anyone who has been in our truck knows it is organized (sometimes organized chaos, but organized the same). I do not believe I am an idiot.

I am a mother, a step-mother, a grandmother, a grand daughter, a sister, a niece, and a cousin. I am a homeschool teacher. I am our accountant and tax preparer. I am a writer (whether anyone else reads what I write or not). I am these things and so much more.  These are labels I choose to wear proudly.

What about the labels we are given by God? I am blessed. I am forgiven. I am a friend. I am beautiful. I am graceful (believe me I have to claim that one a lot). I am healthy. I am rich (another I claim a lot). I am strong.

We can look at any label in a positive or negative way. If someone has labeled you negatively, I challenge you to look at how you can turn that on its head. Even if you can’t change someone’s mind about a preconceived notion, have faith that you are worthy of seeing yourself in the best light. Remember, you are a special creation, labeled as only our Creator can label anyone.

November thus far

I had all these grand plans for November (posting something I was thankful for each day), and then we came home. Even when I tried to catch up, things got in the way and I never seemed to be able to write. Oh how I miss writing. So,instead of catching up on thankfulness,because it really would seem silly to me, I am just going to vent about this hectic month that has really been rather productive.
We came home in time to celebrate my last daughter to become a teenager. It was great to share the baking with my middle daughter. It was nice to then have my sister come and wish her a happy birthday. Family time is great.
We have been able to start really focusing on school. I so enjoy reading with my daughter,and discussing things with her. Every time I see her really show an understanding of any subject, it is a blessing. She is really excited about her science curriculum because she cannot wait to dissect things. We are using Sonlight for most subjects, Teaching Textbook for Math, and Apologia for General Science. All of it fits so well together it is amazing. You would almost think I spent a long time debating what curriculum I was going to use. While I did spend a long time deciding on the Core curriculum, the science wasn't even ordered until October. I have plans for how we are going to make it through to the end of the school year while having the required attendance days. It will take some work, but I am sure we can do it.
We have been able to make some modifications to the truck. We have talked for three years about adding an Oil Purification System to the truck. It is finally on the truck. We have extra filters, so our maintenance costs will go down significantly. We are excited about that. The harmonic balancer has been replaced and we can already tell a difference in the smoothness of the drive. We added balance beads to the tires as well, so that has helped too. We have added a shelf for the printer and computers, one for Boo, and another for general stuff. Things are organized, which makes me happy. We replaced the microwave, which makes me happy too. We updated the GPS,and replaced most of the sound system. We also added an in motion satellite, and have started recording some educational programs. Now not only can we watch football (now that the season is almost over), but also things to go with schoolwork or just be informative.
On the business front, I was able to sort through a lot of paperwork, scan things, properly file paperwork, and catch up our bookkeeping. While I am upset to look at the taxable income, and see we are still below the poverty line, I have to remember all we are doing is not only for the business, but also for our family. I also have to remember in a year and a half the truck will be paid off, at which point our taxable income will go up. In addition, it means the kids continue to go to college for cheap.
As I look forward, I am not going to make any grand promises, because it is obvious my priorities aren't revolved around this blog. I am sorry to those who follow this and were looking forward to more regular posts, but I will write when I can or when I need to vent. I pray all who read are well, and I am thankful you spend your precious time reading my venting. I pray you have a blessed holiday season.

Thankfulness

It was my intention to say something I was thankful for each day in my blog, and then life comes along and so many more things become important than posting in a blog. In an attempt to catch up, I am going to list things I meant to say I was thankful for, but never did.
I am thankful for family. This week I have been fortunate enough to spend time with several different members of my family. Whenever we are home, I am thankful for that time. I am thankful God has blessed me with so many different family members who add so much to my life.
I am thankful for my husband. Without my husband, I certainly would not be where I am, and we would spend SO much more trying to get things done to the truck. He is a great mechanic, a terrific help mate (especially when my English doesn't match someone else's), a great lover, and my best friend. I have been through so much crap and now I can truly appreciate the man he is.
I am thankful for God. God works in so many different ways to make things easier, and to always have a rock to lean on when things are tough. God and prayer are definitely a blessing.
I am thankful for technology. Technology makes homeschooling so much easier, staying in touch easier, and so many other things.
Now that I have "caught up," I hope to be able to continue the rest of the month as I should have.

What I Have Lost

We have officially been truck drivers for three years now. Well to be technical, three years ago we only had our permit, but I am counting it since shortly after we started ACTUALLY driving. Everyone in the country seems to be looking back four years, and I did that when I stood in the store contemplating buying ZooPals to serve cake on (inside family joke). However, as this most recent change has taken place, and I try to prepare for even more changes, I have become increasingly aware of the things I have lost.
I have lost the ability to change my mind on clothing or shoes. Again, those who know me know that even if I were to plan an outfit the night before, inevitably I go to put it on and decide to change. It may be because I got toothpaste or deodorant on it. It may be because I am all of the sudden bloated. Or it may be because I just changed my mind. No matter the reason, typically my hubby or someone else would have to bring me back to reality and force me to stop changing clothes. Now, I have about three tank or sleeveless shirts, about six short sleeves, five long sleeves (it is almost time for snow), a few shorts, a few capris, yoga pants (and they are never used for yoga), jeans, and some comfy jammy pants, and two pairs of shoes. They all sort of go together (and that part is difficult for me). My intent really is to create a wardrobe I can more or less ensure it is weather appropriate and not care what I look like. For those who know me, you know this is something you never thought you would see. It makes things easier, but I miss my heels and Ann Taylor Loft pants.
I have lost a frost free freezer, and recently had to replace my blow dryer. Most of you will remember the days of having a freezer create so much ice you had to empty it, and use a blow dryer to remove all of the built up ice on it. For some who read this you will have no clue what I am talking about and will be scratching your head trying to understand. Trust me, the modern frost-proof freezers that don't create more unusable ice than safely freezing food are a blessing. While i am thankful for our freezer, it reminds me after about 3 weeks that I need to break out the hair dryer again. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but my middle daughter "borrowed" my hair dryer and I haven't seen it in a long time.
I have lost my ability to change my mind and cook something different. For those in a truck you totally understand, but for others, let me explain. At home you have a stove, oven, microwave, lots of cooking implements, and a store within driving distance. Unless you don't have a working car, if you decide chicken enchiladas isn't really what you want to make for dinner, you'd just rather have spaghetti, you can swing by the grocery store get what you need and no one knows any different. For us, right now our microwave doesn't work, all we have is a convection oven, a grill, and a plug in frying pan. Not always can we pass close enough to a Walmart that all 83' of us can get in and out of, much less do we always have time. Believe me time is a luxury we don't always have.
Since this one just came up, I have lost my ability to complete one thing without being interrupted. Okay, most of you are cracking up at that one. Especially my children who have seen me clean and realize I get distracted taking one thing into a room and then start cleaning that, try to put something away in the hall closet and realize I need to clean that too. Yes, my ability to stay on task has always been in question, but now inevitably as soon as I start doing anything, the phone rings and we have to get going. I started this blogpost and now we are headed to Houston to get two engines to go to Newark. Now I get to try to finish my post while the truck is being driven down the road (Thank God for the Backspace key).
I have lost my ability to get up and get going when I want. Okay, so most can't do that either, since we are slaves to an alarm clock and schedules set by our family, our bosses, etc. Let me explain. Imagine putting a mattress in the back of your walk in closet (because that is pretty much how big our sleeper is), now imagine sleeping along the back wall of that. Everything is fine if you are the only one in the bed (or only share it with a dog), but if you are relegated to the back wall and have to crawl over your hubby to get out of bed, believe me things change. Gone is the ability to get up, make a pot of coffee, read a little, and get my morning time going without disturbing anyone else. While we are making plans to expand our sleeper, right now I cannot really do this. My middle daughter would say I disturbed her a lot when I first get up when we are at home, but it is never really my goal. Now the coffee pot is at the end of the bed, so trying to not wake up my husband by crawling over him is now even more difficult by trying to make the pot of coffee.
I have lost a schedule. Most people have a set schedule they work, are at home, etc. Our schedule is so flexible it is pretty much non-existent. While I do typically drive from midnightish to noonish (depending on the loads and timing of things), waking up every day at midnight and going to sleep at noon is not really feasible. When we are sitting, I would rather be up when "normal" people are, but still get up earlier than those in the truck. Doctors would say this is horrible, I need to be on a normal schedule, but this is life.
I have lost my ability to plan. Again, trucking involves flexibility. If we plan on going to the grocery store along the way, inevitably they will call and change our route to pick up something else, making the planned stop impossible. If we plan on being able to pay something off, inevitably the loads don't work out to where that will happen. Planning is gone. For me, this one is difficult. I am Mrs. Control Freak. No schedule, no plan, I am typically worried.
There are so many more things I could list that I have lost, but there are so many things I have gained as well.
I have gained the ability to spend every day with my best friend and love of my life. Yes, this can be difficult at times, but once we got past the first six months being under each others feet isn't quite so bad.
I have gained time with my youngest daughter. Right now she is at home because we are in the probationary period with our new company, however, typically she is with us. (Yes, that is three people and a dog in a rolling walk-in closet complete with a bathroom and kitchenette.) I have gained the ability to see her grow before my eyes. I have gained the ability to teach her. I have gained the ability to watch her get something. I have gained sharing things with her. Believe me, this is a huge gain that I would not give up.
I have gained a beautiful office view. My friend, Paula, likes to brag we have the best office view. I agree. It is ever-changing. Very rarely do we have a view that I can't find something to enjoy. I may have to wait for the sun to cooperate, but even when we sit there is something to enjoy. As we drive down the road, just seeing the land is a blessing. Losing my little plot in cubicle-land is no big deal when I look at His beauty.
I have gained more quality in the time we have at home. Believe me, those of you who live in the same place as your family don't understand this one at all, but you don't know what you have. We have family spread out all over. Some times we can only stop in and have coffee and smoothies. Some times we actually get to sit down to a meal and stand in the kitchen discussing politics (dangerous thing). Believe me our time with our family that does not live in Alabama is absolutely a blessing we would never have any other way. However, even the time when we are at home is better. I cook way too much food, and we enjoy each other more than we did when we were all on top of each other. Now it helps that all but the youngest are adults with their own lives anyway, but believe me the time is different.
I have gained time with God. Think about it, how many people get to spend ten hours a day driving down the road, enjoying all that God has created, learning with your child, thankful for it all, and yet praying and seeking God's wisdom while you are alone? Okay, I know that there are millions of drivers, but not all of them look at things through the same eyes. When I am having a hard time, I intentionally ask God to help me through it, and praise Him when He does. A pastor a long time ago told everyone to pray while they were in the car, and they would be amazed how pleasant the drive is. I would say the same thing. Pray and worship while you drive and truly put your trip (even if its five miles) in His hands and you will be amazed what He does.
There are so many things I have lost and gained, but since I am getting old and now my mind is focused on work, I can't think right now. I challenge each person reading this to pray, listen and worship while driving, or commuting. I also challenge you to think about the things you have, and remember, "A truck brought it." I challenge you to remember when you realize something you have lost (no your mind doesn't count), then thank God for something else you have gained. He may have allowed something to be removed from your life, but it is so He could cause you to grow. Growing past Mrs. Control Freak into Mrs. Trying to be Flexible is a difficult path, but one I know He had a reason to place me on. Thank you God for putting this in my mind today, and thank all of you for allowing me to share it with you.

Delivered and Heading Towards Home

We made it through our first long AOG, although I wouldn't have really called it an AOG because they didn't treat it like an AOG. Anyway, survived NYC, which some might not understand why that is truly a survival, but in a big truck with signs like the one below(keeping in mind we are 13'4"), you can understand why.

Believe me taking Exit 27 is not advisable either, since we have a 53' trailer and could get fined for that. There are some pretty views, like the Statue of Liberty (from very far away), all of Manhattan, the Brooklyn Bridge, the ocean, etc. But it is so tight and so many people who only care about themselves it makes it nightmarish.

We also got to enjoy a beautiful sunset from a hanger in La Guardia Airport.



Anyway, all is delivered and we survived. God smiled on our hard work, and allowed a trip to fall into our laps that goes in the direction of home. We have 2 engines that are going to Columbus, GA. I do believe we will actually be going on Ft Benning, but not too sure just yet. Would love to be able to see the kids, maybe celebrate Josh's birthday early, clean out my middle daughters old room, and figure out what the heck is going on with my younger sister. Who knows. I guess it all depends on if we are needed somewhere.

I will start on the second book for school today. I really hope it will be as great as Mara.

Bye bye Daddy

While we were waiting on our engine to get swapped out, my husband and I encountered a cute little girl while eating. In a crowded restaurant, you run into all types. In a restaurant in a truck stop it is even worse. As we ate we heard a little girl saying, "Bye, bye, Daddy." She kept repeating it over and over. Finally my husband looked up and waved at her.
The gentleman sitting at her table asked, "Do you see your Daddy."
"Yep."
"Where?" He questioned.
"Right there." She was pointing at my husband.
After the waitress talked to her a bit, we found out Trinity was 2. She was "very smart" and was learning her colors and songs. She was a little cutie, and seemed very bright. When the waitress left her table she said, "Bye bye Auntie."
Everyone commented how cute it was. The waitress was white, like my husband. I remember thinking it was cute but speculating that she must be mixed. I agreed with everyone that she was cute, but as I left I felt sad for her.
While I didn't speak with Trinity's mother, and we could discern the man at her table was not her father, I am fairly certain Trinity wouldn't recognize her father from Donald Trump. Those who know me know that my girls grew up with rather absent fathers. My oldest wouldn't know her father if he walked up to her, and my youngest hasn't seen her father in over ten years, but at the age of two, none of my children would have called an absolute stranger daddy or auntie.
This whole thing saddened me. I know I am not one to judge anyone else's situation, but I felt sorry for this girl. I pray some man as wonderful as my husband will step up and assume the responsibilities someone else walked out on. Anyone can make a baby, but only special men deserve the title "Daddy." I know my girls are blessed, as I am, that my husband has earned that title.