I have taken quite some time off from writing, as is quite apparent. When my sister confronted me about it, I said I felt the need to have real human interaction. Truth is, I was knee deep in resistance. (I finished listening to The War of Art, and those of you who have read/listened to it will understand that comment.) Why was I resistant to write? Several reasons.
First I fear I have nothing important to say. I started this blog to share our life, and hoped I could help someone in the process. However, much of what I have written has turned into rant-fests, which I didn't want. I know no one will hang on my every word as though I was some celebrity, but sometimes it its nice to have someone appreciate your words. (I am honestly not fishing for compliments, just sharing.)
Second, I fear my words will end up hurting someone. We have recently gone through quite an ordeal in our family with my eldest daughter, and I am afraid I could easily hurt someone without intending to do so.
Third, we have been in an uproar. Not only has there been drama in our home life, but there has also been a lot of drama in our work life. Once we get those issues settled I may share more about that.
Fourth, I am afraid my words will show the failure I feel I am. I feel like a failure with respect to or business (we are operating at a loss this year). I feel like a failure with respect to homeschool (we didn't finish all I wanted). I feel like a failure as a mother (my daughter is in jail, what does that say about me). I feel I am a failure as a Christian (my prayer life has slashed and I feel alone because of it). I feel like a failure as a mentor (after feeling shunned by a fellow mentor I feel I shouldn't lead anyone, but follow others who obviously know more than I do). Most of all I feel like a failure as a wife (I have felt so down I have taken it out on my husband).
Finally, we have just been busy. I know, saying I am busy is just showing my resistance, but we really have. We have been busy researching curriculum, companies, truck upgrades, trailers, networking with new prospective coworkers, and just enjoying people when we can.
Since I last posted we have done a lot of sitting and fighting to be able to move. One of those sitting episodes involved us being able to attend the Great American Truck Show. (It was there I felt shunned by a fellow mentor, and yet was so happy to see some I feel have become friends.) My daughter rode a bull at Gilley's, and I was proud of her 23 second ride. We got to learn quite a bit from people at the show, and get tired out doing so. We had quite a few people enjoy our truck, which made me feel proud.
I really don't mean this to be a pity party, I just really wanted to share why I have been silent. I hope those who love me will pray I somehow get out of this funk and break the resistance to writing.
