A Note from my Daughter

While we have been home, I was cleaning the desk and found a note my middle daughter wrote me some time ago. It reads:

"My mom.
"My mom is amazing. She has been there for me through... everything. From the time when my only problem were Kaitlyn stealing my Barbies, to some girl stealing Brady from me, to things that are so much bigger than that. She supports me the same way I do her. But in that same way it is totally different. She loves me and only wants the best for me, no matter what I do. She has always just tried to keep be from heartbreak  whether big or small. I love her and even though at times I think she is evil, and I really don't want the best for her, but other times I want to get her through whatever things she is going through. She is my support group, my shoulder to cry on when so and so was being mean, my beacon of hope when I didn't want to get through another day. When she is sad, I want to do everything to make it better, because if my mom is sad, then I can't be happy. And if I could, its to a certain extent. She has always put her kids first, and has taught me more about how to be a mom than any parenting book I could buy from Barnes & Noble. I used to think it would be easy to move out when the time came, but as each day goes by I realize its actually going to be hard. We might shed a tear, or two, or hundreds, but she has shown me the meaning of true beauty, someone who cares about others so much it just starts to spread all over them, making them the most beautiful people on the planet. The meaning of true love, I see it each time she looks at my dad. It makes me hope that one day I can look at someone even close to that. She has shown me that mothering is hard, and never to take it lightly. Its a big responsibility and even though I've got the hips to make babies, to wait, get my life started, I'll be so much happier. She has shown me that even when everything falls apart you can pick up the pieces, and if the old ones don't fit as well as they used to, mend them, and if they don't want to be mended and only want to drift away, then there is more where that came from. Oh, and she has shown me that she can be there for me; I just need to let her in a little. No boy will ever come between us again. =]
"I love you Mom."

When I read it I cried and cried. Now, as I type it, I cry some more. So many things have been going on, including my eldest daughter ending up in jail. Crying seems to be so easy right now. I have always put my children first. I have always tried to do what is best for them. My middle daughter writing this note made me see she gets it, at least a little. I know she wrote it well before she moved out, and before things got so strained between the two of us, but I hope she still feels that way.
Motherhood is definitely NOT EASY. While I have always tried to do what is best for my kids, and put them first, sometimes I have to decide that what is best for them is to NOT put them first. As I mentioned, my eldest is now sitting in jail. Her kids, my grandchildren, are in the care of my sister and her friend. My mother is discussing coming to get the kids. I am firm on this stand, my daughter needs to somehow be forced to get clean, get a real job, and learn the mothering lessons I evidently didn't teach her. If that means she sits in jail, and that social services becomes involved in her parenting plan, then that is what is best. While I would love to take my grandchildren in, it would mean giving up trucking, coming back to an economy where it is still difficult to find a job, and perhaps even putting all the kids in public education. That is not what I believe is best for my family. I cannot save my daughter. I cannot watch her kill herself any more.
While the note above makes me happy my middle daughter loved me so, I am saddened by my situation. There is so much more going on I would like to share, but right now, I just want to cry.