Absent Parenting

When I was growing up, both of my parents were in the military. This meant lots of missed birthdays, and very few holidays or other of life’s events with our extended family. When we were able to attend a family event, it was always something to remembered, to me anyways. I enjoyed being around my cousins, of whom there are now well over thirty, and my five aunts and three uncles. Not all of our family can be in one place at one time, as a matter of fact, the last time I remember all nine of my grandmother’s children being together was when she turned eighty. While there are some within the family that would rather complain about the family, I remember always cherishing the time we had together, and enjoying the fellowship.

Among the many things we are asked about being on the road, one of them is don’t we miss our family. My family is spread from one coast to the other, and everywhere in between. We enjoy the times we can spend with family as we get close to them; however, with the distances between my family, it was rare to have true family time. My husband, on the other hand, has lived within a few hundred miles of his family all of his life. It was because of missing out on his children’s lives that he decided to stop truck driving at the time. Whenever we are asked the question, our answers used to be the same, but I fear they won’t be soon.

This week we found out my husband’s oldest son’s girlfriend is pregnant. While my eldest daughter gave us our first two grandchildren, we rarely get to see them or have much to do with them. (That situation breaks my heart, but my daughter desperately needs to be a better mother. Watching her self-destruct and take her children down with her is very heartbreaking.) My husband has trepidations about this news, mainly because the new father is still in college, and isn’t doing that well financially, but otherwise is incredibly excited. He can’t wait to be a Paw Paw. We asked if we could host the baby shower, and were immediately declined, but told we could “bring something to it if we wanted.” Furthermore, it was stated, we aren’t home enough to handle anything, and can’t be depended upon.

I immediately got upset about the reaction, and was more upset when I found out we were declined in favor of my husband’s ex-wife. I realize our job takes us away from daily life for college kids, but up until now, we really didn’t feel like we were missing anything. When we were home, and they lived at home, we rarely saw them as it was. Now, we have to make special requests just to be able to see them ever. Before we started trucking, we had spent the previous three years covering for all the broken promises she made. Believe me, when all of it was happening, and we had to be real, and then cover her lies, it was horrible. It made me thankful my children and I were thrown away. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you can’t, you had better own up to why you can’t. It is beyond frustrating when after all we have done, including getting his car out of repossession, one simple request to host the baby shower was declined. My feelings are still very hurt.

Of course, even when we started discussing the baby shower, I revealed that my eldest daughter would end up getting upset. Every child is convinced we love someone else more. Of course, nowadays, they all agree the youngest, who is on the truck with us full time, is the most loved. One thing usually leads to another as we discuss things while one of us is driving, and this discussion was no different. We ended up talking about who had most-favored status in our family when we were growing up. And then we discussed how each child has different roles.

Later, as I drove, I reflected upon the discussion. I was struck by how different our earthly family is from our heavenly family. While none of us could ever live up to Jesus, as far as being a son or daughter of God, God loves none of us different. He loves me the same as he loved Mother Theresa. Even though I am not blessed with the knowledge or words to be able to lead thousands to Christ, my role doesn’t affect His love. God loves all of us as we are, no matter how much we show up, no matter what we look like when we do show up. He always responds with open arms, and an open heart, ready to hug us. Our absence doesn’t make him replace us with someone else. Thank you God for loving us like you do.

While my feelings are still very hurt by the attitude with regard to the baby shower, I am also realistic. I miss the days of get-togethers at our house. I miss decorating, and taking a theme to extremes (my daughter’s friends still talk about her sushi birthday – even the cupcakes looked like sushi). A party brings out the Martha Stewart in me. I will never be the same as those that are in their lives on a regular basis. We are, absent parents, and will end up being absent grandparents. We won’t love them any less, but the feeling isn’t mutual. This makes me thankful even more for a loving heavenly Father, who loves us no matter what.

I encourage all of you to enjoy any time you have with your family, enjoy your family any time you can, and most of all remember that regardless of how our earthly family treats us, our heavenly Father is always there with open arms, ready to love us.